Choosing Life
by 1lovelydisaster
Summary: How do you stop a self destructive cycle before it breaks you down? How do you get over your first love when everything you know tells you that love is more important than life itself? Bella will descover that moving on is not the same as giving up. J/B
1. Opposing Magnets

Choosing Life

A/N: Disclaimer, the characters setting and familiar situations belong to Stephanie Meyer. No copyright intended I'm not making any kind of monetary profit from this.

Chapter 1

Like Trying to Hold Opposing Magnets Together

I woke up at the first glimmerings of sun and looked out my window, open of course; my window was always open. I couldn't shake the feeling that something was different about this morning, different, but familiar, a presence. I rolled over and the blankets felt oddly cold beside me, the pillow had an extra indent in it. My heart beat faster and my breath started to come in irregular gasps. A very sweet scent pervaded my senses.

Edward! I sat up and looked to the rocking chair in the corner. It stood empty, still, there was a sweater hanging over the arm rest and a shockingly red pair of panties with pink lace trim hanging from the shoulder, not generally my style. Normally just looking at them made me blush, but now, my mind was racing too fast to register it. He wasn't here, the thrill and shock that had been tingling through my system was now being leeched away, replaced by numb regret seeping its way in from the blurry edges of my being.

I had just long enough to feel foolish as the events of last night came back to me before Alice came bounding in.

"Heads up Sunshine! Time to get bright eyed and bushy tailed!"

I wiped a tear off my face and plastered on a smile for its replacement. She spared my dignity and pretended not to notice.

"I told Charlie I was going to kidnap you for a girl's weekend of shopping, pampering and general frivolity!"

I laughed and hurled myself at her for a hug; she was ready for me this time.

"I've missed you!" My voice didn't waver, "And your taffeta and cream torture sessions." I added as an after thought.

She laughed a peel of silver bells, "It's mutual! Now go get fresh and fully dressed, you still smell like dog, I've got something hanging in the bathroom for you!" She clapped, "It's like I've got my favorite doll back!" She joked and held me by my shoulders at arms length so she could give me a once over. I wonder what she saw. Nothing was broken, but nothing was quite the same.

"I'll wait downstairs." She pirouetted and bounded off. The way she flitted from one place to the next did nothing to dispel the dream-like quality this morning was adopting.

I turned the shower on as soon as I entered the bathroom; there was a serenity that came with the sound of the water beating against the tile. I kept my eyes downcast as I brushed my teeth, not until after I rinsed and spit did I glance up to check my pearly whites. The glass was just starting to fog at the edges. I looked over my sleep weary face; I was pale, now and always, but not sick looking, not drawn. The circles under my eyes were faint and would fade with a cup of coffee and an hour of activity. There was a definite tint of color to my cheeks.

I was still a bit on the thin side, but I looked healthy, almost back to normal. Jake could fix anything. I smiled at the thought; it lasted a second before fading into a grimace – Jake… Would he forgive me? We had been so close last night.

Alice tensed when he knocked at the door, turned almost feral looking.

"Your _friend's_ back." She gave a horrible twist to the word. I ignored it.

"Could you give us a minute?"

She almost hissed, I pictured a cat bristling.

"Alice he's important." I begged her to understand.

Her composure was back instantly and I knew she would give us space.

"I don't like this."

He knocked again, more urgently, I wondered how much my poor weather worn door could take. She turned for the back door.

"Alice!" she paused, "_Please_ come back." My voice was small, like a child's.

I answered the door and was met with Jacob, wearing his Sam mask. He had come to make sure I was alive. I told him who my visitor was and he had relaxed noticeably. I understood: Alice was better than… than her brother. Eventually I managed to coax him over the threshold and we ended up in the kitchen just being Jake and Bella, almost like always. It had been tense talking about Alice, he wanted to know how long she would be visiting, I didn't know, but I told him she was welcome for as long as she wanted. He didn't like that at all. I asked about Billy, how he was doing with Harry Clearwater's death, figuring he was taking it like Charlie.

Jake affirmed as much, "Harry was a good man."

He fiddled with a dish towel as he spoke, not looking me in the face, so he was not just important to Billy then. I put my hand on his upper arm, wanting so much to comfort him, be there for him like he always was for me, but I removed it quickly embarrassed that it was still soggy and soapy. He smiled and caught it as I withdrew. He used the dishtowel to dry it off. He was so careful, my small hand disappeared between his warm hands and the red checkered cloth, and his eyes never left mine. When he was done with my right hand, leaving it warm and dry he took my left, gently releasing its grip on the edge of the sink, I almost stumbled and compromised my leaning back against the counter.

My cheeks were already flushed, I bit my bottom lip and broke eye contact, looking instead at his hands. They were beautiful large and strong with long graceful fingers. When the second hand was dry he discarded the dish towel with one hand, keeping his other wrapped around my own. He picked up my once discarded right hand and brought them both up closer to his face to look them over, I watched as he turned my palms upward to survey my pruned fingertips, unnerved by my pliancy. He brushed his thumbs along my wrinkled fingertips and I shivered. I looked up into his face to see if he'd noticed, the smile tugging at the corners of his lips told me he had.

It took me a moment to realize that he had released me before my hands fell slowly back to my sides. He raised his hand to my face, cupped my cheek in his warm palm and brushed by earlobe and the corner of my jaw with his deft fingers. I pressed my face into it, a reaction, not a choice, something natural and effortless. I was surrounded by Jacob, thoughts of all else were lost. He started to lean down and my heart beat sped up, my breath came faster and doubt began invade my mind. Was I ready for this? Or would I just end up hurting the both of us more? Luckily I was spared the decision. The phone rang and I jumped to answer it turning away from Jacob, feeling instantly colder and almost regretting it.

"Hello?" I waited for a response and almost thought I heard an intake of breath. "Hello?" I repeated. I thought of pretending to have a conversation to delay turning around, but with his wolfy powers he would probably realize what I was doing. "Hello… Going once… twice" I hung up. Sold! To the strapping young fellow in the lovely purple zoot suit!

"Saved by the bell, Bells."

I turned around to find him leaning in the spot I had recently vacated, a sardonic smile seizing his lips, and his arms crossed over his chest.

"Jake." I took a step toward him, and another. I reached out, intending to grab his forearms, untangle his arms, but they dropped to his sides on they're own and I wrapped my arms around his middle instead.

"I'm sure I told you I'm a lost cause." I said into his chest. He responded by stroking my back and my hair. He leaned down and kissed my temple.

"I don't believe in lost causes." He whispered. His breath across my ear and the skin of the side of my neck caused an incredible reaction through my whole body. So did being enveloped in his arms, his warmth, and his smell. I could stay here forever I decided. I took a deep breath to bolster my resolve and worked my hands across his stomach and up over his chest, slowly they reaches his shoulders, then brushed the sides of his neck.

"Good." I said, his eyes were wide with bewilderment for a moment, but eventually his face rearranged into a soft smile and I pulled myself on to my toes, trying my best to reach, but knowing that he would have to lean down to make this possible. I closed my eyes and tilted my head back trusting that he would. Instead I felt him place his thumb against my lips; he sighed and rested his forehead against mine.

"Your leach is back." He felt me tense and the use of his slur, "It's what she is Bella, he insisted. I pulled away.

"Do you get mad at her for calling me a dog?"

"Yes." I said firmly, and then faltered, "I'm sure I do…"

I turned around, "Ugh! That's not the point Jake, they didn't ask to be what they are anymore than you did and they're not the only dangerous creatures I love."

"Creature Bella? That's what I am. And _dangerous_!" He grabbed my shoulder and turned me around, not just roughly enough to move me, but still careful, even though I could feel tremors going through his arms.

"You know that I would never hurt you!" He backed me against the wall the intensity in his eyes ran contrary to his words, "I would never rip your throat out and drink your life away! I couldn't contaminate you with venom that would turn you into a walking, feeding, lethal corpse."

My body went rigid and tears began to form and leak from my eyes.

"Shit!" He dropped me like a hot potato and took a step back, "I broke my promise again."

He took a deep breath and came back to me, all the grace and safety that was _my Jacob. _He brushed my tears away with his thumb.

"Look, you can't help who you love. I just worry about you, I know you're anything, but fragile, but remembering you the way you were sometimes convinces me otherwise… You've gone through so much to build yourself back up. I feel protective."

He winced, "And yeah maybe a little jealous."

"'A little'…" I laughed.

"Ok maybe a lot, but you know I'm right, I'm not a danger to you. Anyone who tries to hurt you better say their prayers," the fiery gleam briefly lit his eyes, "but you're always safe here, with me."

I nodded and stepped into his arms wanting him to hold me, "I didn't build myself back up, you put me back together, like one of your dilapidated cars." I felt his chest rumble with laughter.

"You give me too much credit. I was just there for you. You came to me remember, I didn't come and find you like a princess in a tower and slay the dragon of depression guarding your window." He said that last part dramatically, adopting a Disney movie narrator voice, "You had to pull yourself up, fight your own demons and get ready to put yourself out there again. I just gave you a safe place to do it and someone to be with."

I smiled, wishing I saw myself the way he saw me. "Thank you."

I let myself be held for a little longer relishing the feel, "Alice is waiting."

He grumbled in a way that was almost a low growl, "Fine. Have fun with your best friend!" He said a little too cheerfully before heading for the front door.

"Jake!" I called to his retreating back, "She's only one of my best friends, you're my other."

"Sure, sure, throw the dog a bone."

I sighed as he disappeared.

The way I felt waking up this morning left me gritty. It left me with a grime that wouldn't wash away. How could I have betrayed him already by hoping for my Edward? I sighed dragging a comb through my hair.

Oh well! I took a deep breath; there is nowhere to go but forward! With this new resolve I set about getting ready for what was sure to be a nostalgic day.

A/N: This is my first fanfiction. I hope you like it, there will be more. This takes place, if you haven't figured it out after the cliff diving when Jake drives her home and Alice is waiting. The silent caller was indeed Edward. Yes I changed things and I will continue to do so, I might even put some events out of sequence.

I've already gotten most of the second chapter written it's just a matter of typing it in and correcting it. I'm probably going to go back and revise the whole story when it's complete. If anyone wants to beta please let me know.


	2. Serious Buisness

A/N: I'm using a plot bunny I found on Stephanie's website

xXx

Chapter 2

Serious Buisness

I walked down the stairs to find Alice in the kitchen waiting for me. I went directly to the coffee pot and extracted two cups from the cupboard above it, they were delicate and beautiful, left over from Renee. I almost filled both with coffee before I remembered.

"It's ok, you can pour me one, I like the warmth of the cup." I blushed and set the cup before her, then set about toasting a sesame bagel.

We sat and talked for an hour as I picked at my bagel. I inquired about the family, with the exception of one member and she told me of Emmet and Rosalie's second (or fifth) honeymoon, of Carlisle's teaching position and Esmee's coping with an almost empty nest.

"Now Bella," She cleared her throat and adopted a tone that was fit for an executive meeting, "I found the most curious thing at the house last night."

I colored and ducked my head to my coffee cup.

"Someone had broken into the front window – and get this – left a box full of money."

I took a long drink.

"What's more, the box was addressed to one 'Miss Bella Swan.'"

"He wouldn't take it back!" I defended knowing just how childish I'd sounded. At least I didn't put it all down the dispose-all, I had contemplated it, just to spite him, but I just couldn't bring myself to waste that much money.

"I told him he wouldn't fool you with the 'scholarship' ruse, you are smarter than the average bear, but why on earth won't you take it?"

I looked up at her and trying to think up some plausible excuse, but none came so I stuck with the truth.

"He left me Alice," Tears started to form in the corner of my eyes, but I willed them not to fall, "My whole life here is filled with memories of him, no matter that he promised it would be like he was never here, he's still so much a part of my past, he continues to a lesser extent to be apart of my present, but my future…" my mouth opened and closed with the effort of trying to make her understand and not quite knowing how to put the feelings swirling around in me like some emo school girl into words, "My future will be my own! I will build it for myself. I don't need his money and I don't need his help."

Saying it out loud helped me release myself from it, from him, "I'm sorry about the window though…" I added sheepishly.

She laughed and brushed the apology aside, "I understand." She shook her head angrily, "He is so _stupid_ to do this to the both of you! To all of us! I feel like I've lost a sister."

I nodded, "Maybe, but I'll always be your friend, well ok, maybe not your version of 'always,' but for as long as I'm around."

"That's alright, you're children and your children's children will just have to have a fairy godmother!"

We laughed, the mood instantly lightened. Just then the phone rang. I knew I'd hear Jacob's voice before I answered it.

"Hello?" I was timid; I hoped he wouldn't be too mad.

"Bella, I talked to Sam this morning." His voice had a mechanical quality to it, "He wants to know if they're coming back."

"No Jake, just Alice."

"Good." He tried not to sound too obnoxiously happy, "How long is the –" he cleared his throat, "short, bouncy one staying?"

I laughed, "The weekend, she's taking me to Port Angelus."

"Hmm, Bells I don't think that's such a good idea."

"Jacob Black! I know you don't like who my friends are, but you are not going to start telling me who I can and cannot spend my time with, it's my life and I've already had to defend spending my time with you to Alice – "

"Shh!" He shushed me! He actually shushed me. I pictured him as a little kid with his first finger pressed to his mouth, " It's not like that. Haven't you been reading the paper? There's something really weird going on."

"What? No I haven't"

"Can I talk to Alice?" I could hear the effort that it took for him to say her name and I stifled a giggle.

"Will you be nice?"

His turn to laugh, "Probably."

I took what I could get, handed the phone to Alice, and waited to be let in on what was going on.

Eventually the phone was given back to me, "There have been several disappearances lately, we think vampire related, actually we know; the pack has been picking up trails, we'll get it under control soon, but with your track record for attracting beasts I really don't want to risk you being anywhere near Port Angelus right now." I didn't respond right away, still absorbing his explanation, "Please Bells?" He asked as If unsure if I would be stubborn about this.

"Of course."

"Good. Oh and Bells?" I was so worried, what other seediness is going on without my awareness, that I didn't notice the change to his voice which had gotten all low and husky. It was the voice he used to whisper in my ear, the one intended to make me dizzy.

"Yes Jake?"

"When you get back from this weekend, you and I still have some unfinished business."

I laughed, more out of shock and relief than anything, "Business huh? Mergers, investment opportunities and the like?"

"Hmm." His voice got huskier, the flirt! "Oh yes! There are definitely some things that need a little merging."

My face turned beet red.

"Ill see you soon." I squeaked and hung up before he could say anything else. When I was sure of my composure I turned back to Alice, who's face I could not read.

"So what's the plan?"

xXx

Instead of following our original plan we went to Seattle. Alice drove like the hind wheels of destruction and we made it there in record time. We pulled into a plush four star resort (where else?) on Friday evening. Waiting for us in our suite was a welcome basket, complete with shnazzy crackers, a fruit and chocolate plate and a bottle of champagne, which Alice seized, cracked the seal and popped open.

"Vampires drink?"

"Blood." She finished as if it was an incomplete sentence instead of a question, "This is for you."

She poured two glasses anyway saying something about it being unhealthy to drink alone.

"Relax Bella I won't let you do anything stupid."

The only other time I'd had champagne was at Renee's second wedding not too long ago. I sniffed it cautiously before taking a sip. It was very nice, not too sweet and had an interesting flavor.

"So tell me about our little werewolf?"

Ahh! I understood. And I told her anyway. I told her about my depression and how he had been the one to pull me out of it. All about the garage and the warm sodas. I told her about the motor cycles, the gaping hole in my chest and what led me to the cliff, even the group of men in Port Angelus. How he teases me for being clumsy and how graceful he is. I cried a little talking about Edward, confessing my stupid antics and I laughed about Jacob. I left as much as I could about the pack out, thinking that to tell their enemies, treaty or no treaty, would be a betrayal.

"Would he be mad at me Alice? Because I think I'm falling for someone else? He didn't want me anymore. It's so easy with Jacob, natural. Healthy! It's like I'm my own person now, I'm not half of some entity, hurting when he's gone, but it's still much better when he's around. He brings out the best in me, sees me as the person I want to be and not always who I am." I felt like I was clinging desperately to a rope that she had the power to sever with a look.

"No Bella." She sat beside me and put a cold arm around me, "He wouldn't be mad, he left because he wanted you to have a chance to be human. It just figures that you'd find a way to do that with a werewolf."

She refilled my glass a few times and I noticed that hers was never empty. The next day we had a spa treatment. A tea bath followed by an aroma therapy massage (which Alice skipped) and a trip to the sauna. I felt weird laying naked beneath the covering with a stranger touching me, but got over it quickly, he was very nice and very professional. I was expecting sliced cucumbers to abound, but didn't see one all day. The water had lemon slices in it and they had relaxing gel masks for our faces.

We finished the evening with room service and romantic comedies, which I watched without complaining.

The next day was spent at the mall. It was an endless procession of changing rooms, mirrors and harsh lighting. I accumulated what seemed to me enough to start my own store and I managed to avoid being hauled in to a boutique dubbed 'Sweet Nothings.'

We made our way over to the food court. It was sitting at a wooden table, one of many clustered around a fountain and plastic topiary, where I learned what Edward had been up to all this time. She told me first of his trip to Denali and then roaming all over the place seeking out distractions. I tried my best not to be too inquisitive.

"He called me last night." She said carefully, "After he got off the phone with you."

"What?" I dropped my chopsticks.

"That was him on the phone last night. Rosalie called him and told him that you killed yourself. I was worried for him for a while, images of his future started to flash so fast it made my head spin."

"What kind of images?" Something in her face and voice made me very uncomfortable.

"Nothing too pleasant." She winced, "Don't worry about what's passed, just don't plan on dying in the immediate future." She tried to joke it off and again proceeded to mull me into different stores. She eventually did manage to get me inside a Fredrick's of Hollywood, to my utter astonishment I actually had fun.

I collapsed into a heap when we reached the hotel and Alice let me rest before we went out that evening to see some sights.

xXx

A/N: Thus concludes the second chapter! Thank you for reading!


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